Erasing my tears

Drenched and cold, we sat together in the dark on a hot and humid night, air conditioner stopped, motor turned off.  It was a wonderfully somber way to end an exciting night.  I wish we could have stayed happy and carried on with the energy, but it was over, and I was the one who started the descent towards this end.  

I sat and listened as you spoke - about her; about the pain, the fear, the doubt; about the love that will never end.  And I wondered if that was true, and why.  Why do you do this to yourself?  Why give in to endless pain? But I didn't really wonder, because I do the same thing, and I know it will never end. 

I sat and listened as you talked, and I thought about the tears that I can't allow to come, and the silence that I must hold in.  I can't take away your pain.  I can't take away my own.  If I could, I would do everything for you.  But you wouldn't want that.  At least you wouldn't want it from me.    

So I sat and listened as you talked: on a hot and humid summer night after moving for hours in cramped rooms with wild beasts; on a cold winter day, while eating ice cream as we froze; on a rainy night, sitting together on a couch, but not really together.  Facing each other, but apart.  

I wonder if it'll ever end.  Will the cold tightness in your chest and the burning tears on your face go away?  Will the feelings fade to numbness? Will the light fade to dark?  I know mine won't, but that's a choice I've made.  I would rather sit and listen by your side than risk it all.  I'd rather take comfort knowing I could be there, knowing you had someone to cry to, than take a chance to cry myself.  

I will break my prison and throw off my chains, but I'll still choose to be alone.  There is no path to happiness, no pursuit that will feel worthwhile.  Only you, and the knowledge that there is no future with anything less.  So for me there is no future, except to sit and listen as you talk.