Dear someone else

 Dear Hazel, 

I wish I could be writing this letter to dear someone else.  I wish I could feel wanted and not like I'm so extra.  Unnecessary, superfluous, a waste of time, or worse.  I wish I could stand in a room with you and not hurt so much when you're not by my side.  I wish I didn't feel so jealous or so heartbroken watching you happy talking to somebody else.  I'm running away.  It hurts too much and I finally see that you just don't care.  You say you do, but you know it's not true.  You find ways to answer without saying a word.  You twist around topics and never really say it.  You never say you want me there.  It's never "yes, I want you. I like spending time together.  You're not too much. I don't regret this." It's never "I like you.  I'm having such fun." Instead you just dance, making sure not to say it.  "It's nice to have a friend in classes", "I talk to you more than anyone else".  I know what it sounds like, but I also know what it doesn't.  It's not "I'm happy that you're there".  It's never "I like spending time together." You avoid really answering.  You avoid saying what hurts.  

I didn't realize just how much or why it hurt so badly.  I just accepted that this is happiness - this is the best it can be.  I don't need this - cutting deep into my heart when I look at you, remembering it's always me asking, never you.  It's never that you want me around, that you want my company, that you wish I was there.  At best I'm superfluous.  At worst I'm your charity.  

I don't need this pain.  

I'm tired of hurt. 

I wish I could write this to dear someone else.  I wish I had the strength to say goodbye.