a broken crush...?

last friday, right before school ended, i tried to tell willi that i liked him. i chickened out and had amanda tell him. things seemed ok. that night, first i went to the girls production dinner that mrs katz was throwing at the kollel, and from there i walked with a bunch of other girls to the oneg at shimra's house.
as soon as willi got there, i walked into a room with him, just the two of us, and asked what amanda told him, as if i didnt know. he told me that she said i had a crush on him for a long time, and the entire time he said it, he was laughing and smiling, like he was nervous, or happy.
at the oneg, i talked a lot with miriam and mimi, i shared a sugar rush with them (which i got from the gelt that yoni threw at me... and i ate). later on willi said something about being shomer n'giah, so i pretended to hit on him. chana noticed, and started talking to me. we decided we were girlfriends in law.
throughout the night, i got to talk to willi alot too. i liked it, it was nice. by the end of the night, after about an hour of catch phrases, everyone was getting ready to go home. i pulled him aside, and asked him out hypothetically. he laughed and smiled again and said "i dont know".
monday, tuesday, wednsday passed. at the very end of the day on wednsday, i asked him out for real. i spelled it out for him very clearly.... he said that he didn't believe me, and then when i asked again, he said "no thank you".
amanda's mom was taking me home. it took all that i had to stay strong while the little kids were still in the car, but the minute they left, amanda and i moved to the backseat, and i burst out in tears. yaniv was also in the car. he saw me, unforunately. thats when amanda turned me into a sterotype. i eventually calmed down a little, and made it home with a fake smile.
around 530 my dad came home and i drove to rabbi weinrach's chanuka party for the girls. bari aviva and i were the only ones there. playing with his kids cheered me up, but when i got home, i locked myself in my room and soberly did homework the rest of the night.
this morning i couldnt eat. i went to school and davened with as serious a face as i've had since my bj problems last year. miriam noticed, but i shined a really big fake smile at her after davening and she left me alone after that. i went to the cafeteria for "breakfast" even though i didnt eat. he was there. i stayed with amanda, and kept a smile on the entire time. no one could tell how much i was crying on the inside. during study hall, we both had alot of math and science to do. science came first, so i finished that really quickly. he worked on it the entire study hall. i tried to do math, but was very confused, so i didnt finish. i kept strong the entire time, not a single tear.
bio and math were easier. i had a lot of work to do, so i just kept focused on academics. after math, we boarded the bus. i sat with amanda, diagnol from willi. amanda painted my lips black, we were dressing up gothic today, it was another one of our theme days. i read for most of the way to the drexel theatre. there i pulled him aside again. i could help myself. i brought it up again, i wanted to know why he didnt beleive me. eventually i got my answer...:
i had to make a choice, which i already made long ago. i had to be either his friend or more, but i couldnt be both. thats why he couldnt believe me.
i made it through the movie alright, i shared a popcorn with chana, and amanda and willi sat behind us. i made it to the bus. i was sitting next to amanda, but then she and chana switched places, per my request.
i broke down. i couldnt do it anymore, i started crying. i dont think anyone noticed, but i did cry again. i dont know what to do with myself anymore. all i know is what i decided last night, the one thing that gave me strength to make it through the day, besides knowing that hashem is indeed there for me:
the one thing that i remembered from previous years, previous crushes, which keeps me on the same road of loneliness for the rest of my life: my feelings aren't real, they're not important enough to be real, so they should just be ignored and put aside as if they don't exist.